Good Grief
Some resources I've found helpful in my grieving journey.
“Every one of us must take an apprenticeship with sorrow.”
- Francis Weller
As you may know, my life partner, my wife, my best friend, passed away suddenly last fall. What follows are some of the things that have helped me and continue to help me. I hope you find something here that might help you navigate your own grief journey.
Importantly, know that grief is not something you get over. I believe we learn to live with our grief. And as dark as grief often is, know that it isn’t a bad thing. Grief is inherently good. Grief is how we deal with loss. Don’t let anybody rush you in your grief process or force you to put on a brave face. If people, even friends, turn away from you to avoid their own dis-ease with death, loss and grieving, let it be their problem and not yours. Know that whatever you are feeling is normal and that you have the right to feel the way you do whatever that is.
Outrageous loss takes outrageous courage to face. Your journey through grief will take plenty of courage and lots of time. It will be punctuated by setbacks. Don’t be discouraged. Look for gratitude along your way as this may expand your world and open unexpected doors. Above all, be nice to yourself. Cut yourself some slack, and then cut yourself some more slack.
Thank You
I want to extend special thanks to the morning coffee group in Warkworth who have been a lifeline for me. Sharing our grief with others and bearing witness to other people’s grief turns out to be far more important than I ever could have imagined.
If you are grieving alone, I implore you to reach out to at least one other person who will listen without judgement or advice and just listen to your story. If you are fortunate enough to be that friend, just listen to them. Don’t try to fix it. It’s not fixable. Just be there for them. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, contact your closest hospice and ask them for recommendations. Chances are their is help available. People who will provide a safe space for you to express your grief and bear witness to it.
A big shout out to Anderson Cooper and his many podcast guests who have talked so openly about their grief. Also to Stephen Colbert. That particular episode (see below) with Anderson Cooper changed everything for me as I learned to be grateful for my grief.
Also to Stephen Wilson Jr. who’s craft at describing grief came into my life at the exact moment I needed it most. As he so eloquently puts it, “Life is a battlefield and grief is the kinda pain I pray don't fade away” To my friend George Rondina (aka George and the Imagination Machine), who helped me see hope when I couldn’t find any myself and who provided me with the original lyrics to his amazing song entitled Awakening, thank you. I have now added his follow up single My Heroes which dives deeply into the hero’s journey and touched me with equal depth and sensitivity. It’s like George has been writing the soundtrack for my survival.
The Talking Circle
The ongoing Thursday morning grief group from 10 to 11 am at The Bridge Hospice on Old Hastings Road in Warkworth has been critical for me. Thank you to Carol, Amanda and Angie who run this group. They create a welcoming, safe and private space to share as much or as little as you want. If you think you might need this, come sit with us. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Update: After 10 months, I am ready to move on from this group. I have made friendships here that will last the rest of my life. Friends that understand. Friends that I can be real with and who can be real with me. That is the gift of this group and groups like it.
Podcasts
All There Is with Anderson Cooper
This may be the next best thing to participating in a talking circle group yourself. The anonymity you have as a listener makes this one of the most accessible ways to witness other people’s grief and explore and validate your own feelings.
You can also watch the podcast now at CNN, where a comunity has been set up to welcome you. https://www.cnn.com/all-there-is-anderson-cooper
Books
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok by Megan Devine
I also recommend an audio version of Grief Works read by the author.
Grief Works: Stores of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel
Video
From the All There Is podcast, Stephen Colbert talks about being grateful for his grief.
Sarah Bell puts into words what it is to lose your partner in life:
Music
Grief is Only Love by Stephen Wilson Jr.
Life is a battlefield
And it'll drag you right through hell
Bites like a rattlesnake
The kind that you just don't see on the trail
And I miss my father every day
The kinda pain I pray don't fade away
And the ones above guide me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
From my great granddad in the ground
All the ghosts in my hometown
Yeah, they're the ones that find me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Grief is only love
The world is a cannonball
You deal with the feelings you can't hide
God gave us alcohol
When we need to leave 'em all inside
And I don't feel like crying
But I just keep crying
For the ones above to guide me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
From my great-granddad in the ground
All the ghosts in my hometown
Yeah, they're the ones that find me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
I don't feel like crying
But I just keep crying
For the ones above to guide me down the road
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
So hang onto the hurting
And let it grab a hold
Yeah, the only thing's for certain
Is it's out of my control
And, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love that's got no place to go
Yeah, grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Grief is only love
Stephen Wilson Jr. talking about Grief is Only Love
Lights by Archive
This is how grief feels
It hurts to feel
It hurts to hear
It hurts to face it
It hurts to hide
It hurts to touch
It hurts to wake up
It hurts to remember
It hurts to hold on
Turn my head
The hurt's relentless
The hurt of emptiness
The hurt of wanting
The hurt of going on
The hurt of missing
The hurt is killing me
Turn my head
Off
Forever
Turn it off
Forever
Off forever
Turn it off forever
You’re Gonna Be Okay by Brian & Jenn Johnson
I know it's all you've got to just be strong
And it's a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost, hope is never lost
Hold on, don't let go
Hold on, don't let go
Just take one step closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You'll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You're gonna be ok
I know your heart is heavy from those nights
But just remember that you are a fighter, a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you're stronger than you know, stronger than you know
Hold on, don't let go
Hold on, don't let go
Awakening by George and the Imagination Machine
Raindrops falling on leaves so green Walking through time / a familiar scene
Birds call on a new day / they have never been And the world comes alive / with the sound of the rain
I lost sight of you but now I’m found Sun melting snow / making streams on sacred ground
Magnolia Blossoms make magic carpets all around Hoping this moment will never slip away
I am Awakening got nothing to hide
I am Awakening Right here by your side
Sunlight streams distant songs of love Universal dreams / that come from above
The brightest colours I’ve ever heard Mesmorized by their magical words
Like a river that runs forever it’s an endless stream
We can navigate through any weather Let’s sail this everlasting dream
I am Awakening got nothing to hide
I am Awakening Always right here by your side
I am Awakening Got nothing to hide
I am Awakening I am Awakening
My Heroes by George and the Imagination Machine
You’ve been up so high, you’ve been down too low
They knock you down, you just get up and go
Times get tough in a lonely heart
But you know in the end, you’ll be laughing
You are my heroes, you never give in
You are the light within
Times get hard, and you just can’t win
You just shake it off, start over again
When times are dark, I’ll be there
To comfort you, to ease the pain
You are my heroes, you never give in
You are the light within
You’ve been up so high, you’ve been down too low
They knock you down, you just get up and go
Times get dark in a lonely heart
But you know in the end, you’ll be smiling
I Don’t Know How I Made It by The Waterboys
I don't know how I made it, but I made it
I don't know how I held on, but I'm here
I don't know how I made it, but I made it
I don't know how I held on, but I'm here
It's as if I did a deal with an angel
Somewhere back along the line
It's as if I did a deal with an angel (It's as if I did a deal with an angel)
Somewhere back along the line (Somewhere back along the line)
It's as if I did a deal with an angel (It's as if I did a deal with an angel)
Somewhere back along the line (Somewherе back along the line)
Somewhеre back along the line
I don't know how I made it, but I made it
I don't know how I held on, but I'm here
It's as if I did a deal with an angel (It's as if I did a deal with an angel)
I don't know how I made it, but I made it
Somewhere back along the line (Somewhere back along the line)
(Somewhere back along the line)
I don't know how I held on, but I'm here
Who among us has not known grief? Have some experiences or resources you’d like to share? Please leave a comment below.
Wonderfully put together John. Thank you for sharing and it’s an absolute truth that grief is love
Thanks for sharing this wonderful collection of words and songs, John, as part of helping others navigate grief through your experience of what has aided you.